"When I'm good I'm very very good when I'm bad I'm better."

It feels like my life is surrounded by sex all the time, T.V programs, talking with my friends, on the internet, music. It's everywhere!
No wonder why kids get knocked up at 13 because we know too much! sex is shown as such a desired, amazing thing to do. Maybe if we show them more about the scary side such as STD's and what it's really like to have a baby at such a young age it might open up a few eyes and save more people from making huge mistakes.
To be completely honest before I had sex I really wanted to do it, people spoke to highly of it but after I first done it I didn't see why it was such big deal but now I find myself bragging like all the teens I used to hear talking about it in such great detail.

Is sex as amazing as we all think it is or is it psychological?

If you think about it a sweaty guy huffing and puffing on top of you isn't that much of a turn on but when you watch programs such as sex in the city or secret diary of a call girl it all looks so sexy. I blame Hollywood and it's sugar coated sex scenes have made us "modern women" sex maniacs.

It was less than 100 years ago Women wouldn't dare show a bit of ankle now we show our vagina's when we've had too many drinks?!
All the respect women have earned over the years have been thrown away by the youth of today, myself included ofcourse.
well, we all have our off days?

Ah, Reader I seriously hope by the time I have children the world would of sorted out it's sex crazed ways so I can sleep peacefully at night without my kids being impregnated or knocking up the local bicycle.

Goodnight Reader.

“Beauty is how you feel inside, and it reflects in your eyes."

I haven't wrote on this in a while and I apologize reader, I haven't neglected you i've neglected myself it's been a while since I searched deep into my emotions and wrote them all down.

Life at the moment isn't too bad, I don't have any complaints really i'm taking life as it goes and it seems to be getting back on track.
Quite abit has happend since I last blogged, in college, my love life and life in general.

I finally feel accepted in my Drama class I finally feel apart of the group and they're all such lovely people, so easy to get on with. I think the exam has brought us all alot closer and made us a stronger, caring Drama class.
We done our first Drama exam of the year on Thursday 11th February 2010 in my opinion we all deserve A* for effort but unfortunately it doesn't work that way. I unfortunately messed up abit I got out there and froze! after all that practice i freeze on a line i knew perfectly well! I couldn't believe it luckily Noelle thought on her feet and saved my ass!
Overall, we all done amazing! such a relief that it's all over now just coursework to go.

Me and Matthew have been going through some troubles lately, we sort of lost our spark for a while but we seemed to have fixed it I just hope it lasts now.
Do you know when you feel like in a relationship it will last a long time just because you have something so deep, I think that is what me and Matthew have. Just have to look forward to our future now.

I keep leaving this Blog and forgetting about it so I'm trying to finish this about 3 weeks after I started it (08/03/2010). Since my last exam we have been auditioning for a new play, hopefully I'll get someone interesting instead of a teacher this time. Wouldn't mind abit of humour please. But seriously I think my drama teachers love watching us talk about sex or swearing cause all of the plays have these elements.

So, I may/may not have mentioned it but I use BlogTv now, it's a website which you can broadcast from your webcam and absolutely anyone can watch you. It's not too bad except from the trolls and the perverts take them away and it's pretty sweet. Anyway I've been using that for about 2 months or so, I originally had the username of CarelessMoonbeam but I got into some trouble with a guy who was abit crazy.
He thought he was an Alien for one and to make it worse he also thought he was Jesus, enough said. I helped moderate his room for a while then I found out he was involved with some DMCA acts on youtube and sending death/terrorist threats so I had to cut him off or I'd get in trouble too. But he started calling me up shouting down the phone so I basicly had to get a new everything! annoying! so now he tells all his viewers that I'm dead and I got murdered by Atheists. Ridiculous right?!
Apart from that I have met some EPIC people on there, they're quite amazing.

I was just glancing around my living room and some Tulips caught my eye. Even though they are wilting they're so beautiful. Flowers amaze me they grow from a tiny seed to this beautiful creation, I guess just like humans to an extent.

I better post this before I get distracted again, I wont forget about my Blog this time.

Good Day Reader.

I heard the teardrop hit my pillow before I even knew I was crying.

I'm currently feeling quite distressed and lonely. I haven't cried like I have for the past 2 days for a long time, it's constant every time I look at my wall I see pictures of me and him or letters or when I'm online I see messages he has left me or pictures of us together even just being on my bed it reminds me of him.

There's this one time we were sitting on my bed when we'd only been going out 6 months and I was putting my make-up on in the mirror and Matthew was sitting on my bed waiting, suddenly "6 months - hey Monday" came on and i started singing it to him and I sat on his lap and we were laughing because I was being silly whilst singing to him.
Now I can't even listen to that song or look at the end of my bed.

I really miss him reader, I have no idea how he coped when I didn't talk to him for 2 weeks in August.
It's only been 3 days no contact but it feels like forever, I feel like we just broke up or something. I'm so scared of losing him.
God knows when he's going to get a new laptop it would be week or even months.

Atleast I know he's missing me too I got an inbox from him today on facebook telling me that the screen is totally broken and he's had no way of talking to me.
He told me he loved me forever and always, it felt so nice to see the words "i love you" again, those three words were typed just for me from someone i care so much about felt amazing.

I just thought i'd write down what i'm feeling right now since blogging stops me crying like a baby.
I'll leave you with the "6 months" lyrics.

I love you, it felt nice typing that again.

Goodnight reader.

6 Months - Hey Monday.

"You're the direction I follow to get home
When I feel like I can't go on, you tell me to go
And it's like I can't feel a thing without you around
And don't mind me if I get weak in the knees
'cause you have that effect on me, you do

Everything you say
Everytime we kiss, I can't think straight
But I'm okay
And I can't think of anybody else
Who I hate to miss as much as I hate missing you

Months going strong now, and no goodbye
Unconditional, unoriginal
Always by my side
Meant to be together
Meant for no one but each other
You love me, I love you harder so

Everything you say
Everytime we kiss, I can't think straight
But I'm okay
And I can't think of anybody else
Who I hate to miss as much as I hate missing you

So please, give me your hands
So please, give me a lesson on how to steal, steal the heart
As fast as you stole mine, as you stole mine

Oh and everything you say
Everytime we kiss, I can't think straight
But I'm okay
And I can't think of anybody else
Who I hate to miss as much as I hate missing you

So please, give me your hands
So please, just take my hand"

“A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.”

I just had the strangest dream ever.
I never write my dreams down but this one is particularly strange, so here is what I remember:

I started off in total wipe out the tv show and i was alot skinner than i am normally i was wearing shorts knee pads, helmet etc.. and the other contestant was next to me and we were sitting on the launch pads (if you don't watch total wipe out it's these things you jump on it's like a trampoline)Fern Cotton was the host for some reason and she was asking us questions about if we can do the course and health and safety. Oh by the way the total wipe out course was indoors which is also strange and it was quite dark.

Anyway, Me and this guy starts the course (were both doing the huge course together) and i start to win and he pushes me off and I grab him so he falls off with me, when we land he starts arguing with me and pushes me and i push him back but that's when Georgie Sneadon walks over (my drama teacher) but she was walking on water! and Hannah (my other drama teacher) was swimming behind her.
Georgie starts shouting at me because I pushed this guy and told be that she was thinking about kicking me out of drama anyway but i have made the decision for her but I try the justify myself by blaming the guy saying he pushed me first but it didn't work so i say "oh yeah? so that means your not my drama teacher anymore?" she answers with a nod and the next thing I know I've pulled her glasses off her face and beat her up with Hannah just watching.

The next thing I know I'm in jail but it's surrounded with water and I could hear the Total Wipe out music and an Audience. Georgie and Hannah are standing guard of the jail which kind of looks like my downstairs toilet. I looked up and see a window it's quiet small and rectangular with a handle. I climb up to the ledge and see an Iphone belonging to the guy who pushed me, i took it of course. I manage to get out with Georgie not far behind! I'm racing through the Total wipe out course with my drama teacher chasing me!

I manage to get away with iphone still in hand and these people surround me, I think they must of been my friends because they were nice but i've never seen them before but i seemed to know them in my dream. Anyway I tell them what happened previously and they said "we know we was watching you in the audience"

Next thing i know i was like in a corridor with lots of people and doors going off everywhere with security stood by them and i'm hiding behind Fred (a guy i know) telling him that this is where i was when i saw the people from Kerrang! and they made me go on Total Wipe out, he said okay and took me into the nearest shop.

It was full of sweets Fred bent down and started to look into a packets of sweets I joined him we wasn't looking for long when a huge black man was standing behind us telling us to freeze. We stopped still the security guy pointed a flash light at us and told us to shake our t shirts, we did obeying his command and then he said "have you two ever thought...." THEN I WOKE UP!!

I wanted to know what he was going to say!!
well, anyway that was my dream I thought I should share it with you.

Goodbye Reader.

In the witching hour Of a tropic night, Did a careless moonbeam Leave you in its flight?

Ah fuck, I hate the exorcist. I never, ever want to see it! I only just need to see the girls face and I shit myself! It's quite ridiculous really, I'm overly scared of something I hardly know anything about. Jeez, it needs to be banned or something.

Why do I insist scaring myself senseless by watching "I believe in ghosts: Joe Swash."? I don't usually get scared of ghost programmes it's just cause he showed the exorcist girl >.<

I had a lovely bath today come to think of it I don't actually remember the last time I just relaxed in the bath. I've always been in a rush for college when I've been in the bath.

But today I laid there read some of my book, washed my hair and shaved my legs uber chilled out. Lovely. I need to make a habit of it I think.

I'm missing Matthew a lot today, I haven't spoke to him for nearly 2 days since his laptop is broken and his long hours at work this week.

Finally he came online, I feel so much happier now!

I really don't know what else to say, bushface is a legend.

Goodnight reader.

“The main thing in one's own private world is to try to laugh as much as you cry.”

Don't you just hate thinking sometimes, it's like your original train of thought just goes on and on and on and on.....till you're back to where you started.

Completely pointless if you ask me, we just make ourself care about things we wouldn't normally care about just because it happened in a dream or came into our train of thought.

All that to one side, I do love laying here late at night and staring at the ceiling, staring so hard just trying to see if you're part super hero and see if i can see in the dark or my personal favourite; thinking i can see something which i know isn't there but then you get so in depth with what you can see you start to believe it's there and get kind of scared.

I'm strange I know.

I'm not even entirely sure why i'm writing this blog, there was no reason for it I was quite enjoying my thought session whilst sniffing my fragranced fingers (I just moisturised, I'm not that weird).

In all honesty reader I'm so tired but I'm looking at the clock and thinking i really can't be bothered to settle down and sleep yet, even though i know tomorrow morning I'm going to regret my decision of staying up and writing this pointless blog. But that is something for me to worry about at 7:20am.

I was thinking reader, people are way too open about their personal thoughts these days (myself included) we have facebook, twitter, myspace etc... and everyone knows what everyone else is doing, possibly before the person them self knows.

Whatever happened to a little thing called privacy?

A voice inside my head thinks that the government took it years ago or are even setting up these social networks to keep a tap on us.

It was only the other week i was watching the news and i heard the Chinese Government had tapped into someone's email account and arrested them for something they wrote.

It's truly ridiculous in my opinion, maybe we should hold back some information since we really don't know who is reading these things about us.

Maybe there has never been any privacy and we just like to think there was.

Maybe they have us where they want us?

That's food for thought.

Goodnight Reader.

To exist is to change; to change is to mature; to mature is to create oneself endlessly.

They say there are three grand essentials to happiness in this life they are: something to do, something to love and something to hope for. I'm lucky enough to say I either have that or it is possible for me to have.

These past few days have been quite good for me, I can say that i'm happy, i'm content, i'm finally accepting myself. If you said that to me a week or so ago i wouldn't believe you, but i'm glad I feel alot better.

I thought to myself life is way too short to be upset, just because i'm not with Matthew now doesn't mean I will never see him ever again, I should make it something to look forward to, which is one step closer to happiness in life.

I don't know if it's the sleep or something else but I realised i'm really lucky, I have someone who loves me and puts up with anything, a family who cares about me and friends who would do anything for me.

I may not feel like I fit in sometimes but that's their problem for not wanting to know me and I really shouldn't let it bother me that much.

Reader, Why did it take me this long to realise this?

I've wasted way too much time worrying what people think and getting upset about it.

Now, i'm only looking after number one and those close to me.

I'm glad I realised this, it's better late than never.